Jokes

We all enjoy a good laugh. Some of these are so corny that you can’t help but laugh.

  • Why is a skeleton so mean? He doesn’t have a heart
  • What does a skeleton say before dinner? Bone appetite
  • Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the party? He had no body to dance with
  • What do you give a skeleton for valentine’s day? Bone-bones in a heart shaped box
  • Why did the skeleton cross the road? To go to the body shop
  • Who was the most famous skeleton detective? Sherlock Bones
  • Who was the most famous French skeleton? Napoleon bone-apart
  • What instrument do skeleton play? Trom-BONE
  • What kind of key does a skeleton use? A skeleton key
  • Why do skeletons drink milk? To help their bones
  • What is a Skeleton’s favorite song? Bad to the Bone
  • What’s a skeletons favorite part of the house? The living room
  • Why didn’t the skeleton go to see a scary movie? He didn’t have the guts
  • Why can’t a Skeleton lift weights? He’s all bone & no muscle
  • When does a skeleton laugh? When something tickles his funny bone
  • What did the witch say to the skeleton when he was lying? I know your lying because I can see right through you
  • What did the skeleton say to the vampire? You suck
  • Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the party? He had no body to dance with
  • Why did the skeleton go to a BBQ? For the spare ribs
  • Why was the skeleton a bad archer? Someone stole his bone and marrow
  • Why did the skeleton go disco dancing? to see the boogy man
  • Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body
  • Why did the skeleton give a dog a bone? Because he had spare ribs
  • What Does A Skeleton Do Before Sex? He Gets a Boner
  • Where did the skeleton park his horse and buggy? At a dead end
  • Why can’t a Skeleton Lift Weights? He’s all bone & no muscle
  • Why can’t skeletons pick a fight? They don’t have the guts to do it
  • Why don’t skeletons go to Halloween parties? Because they have no body to go with them
  • What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar? Trike or Treat
  • Why is Superman’s costume so tight? Because he wears a size “S”
  • When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat? When you’re a mouse
  • What do birds say on Halloween? Twick o tweet
  • What do moms dress up as on Halloween? Mummies
  • What did one owl say to the other owl? Happy Owl-ween
  • What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettuccine Afraid-o
  • What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newlywebbed
  • What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon.? Sour-puss
  • What does the maker not want, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it, what is it? A coffin
  • Why did the man with a knife in his head cross the street? He was dying to get to the other side
  • What did the corpse’ mom do when her son was bad? Ground him
  • Why does a cemetery have to keep a fence around it? Because people are dying to get in
  • What can’t you give the headless horseman? A headache
  • Why did the headless horseman go into business? He wanted to get ahead in life
  • What treat do eye doctors give out on Halloween? Candy corneas
  • What do you call wood when it’s scared? Petrified
  • What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
  • What does the devil keep between his legs? Great balls of fire
  • A book never written: “Ghost Hunting” by E. Gadd
  • What kind of hot dog do you eat on Halloween? A Halloweenie
  • What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie”
  • What do the movies Halloween and Shrek have in common? Michael Myers
  • What do you cross Michael Myers and a box of cheerios? A cereal killer
  • When Michael Myers tells a joke…. it kills
  • When a blonde knock’s on your door on Halloween what kind of candy do you give her? An airhead
  • What did the graveyard digger say to the girl tomb? I dig you
  • Why was the computer scary? It had a terrorbyte
  • What do you call a fat pumpkin? A plumpkin
  • What do you get when you cross a pumpkin with a sqaush? A squashed pumpkin pie
  • What do you give to a pumpkin who is trying to quit smoking? A pumpkin patch
  • What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter? Pumpkin Pi
  • Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school? His heart wasn’t in it
  • Who did Frankenstein take to the dance? His “ghoul” friend
  • What’s a monster’s favorite bean? A human bean
  • How do you scare a mummy? With a yummy dummy in a crash test crummy
  • What did the Mummy movie director say when the final scene was done? Ok, that’s a wrap
  • How do you keep a monster from biting his nails? Give him screws
  • What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream
  • Why did the monster’s mother knit him three socks for Halloween? She heard he grew another foot
  • Whom do monsters buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
  • What can you say about a horrible mummy joke? It Sphinx
  • What was the mummies’ vacation like? Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us
  • What is a mummie’s favorite type of music? Wrap
  • Why was the mummy so tense? Because he was all wound up
  • Why did the mummy cross the road? To get un wrapped
  • Why don’t mummies take vacations? They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind
  • What was the mummies’ vacation like? Nobody knows. They were too wrapped up to tell us.
  • Where do mummies go for a swim? To the dead sea
  • What do you call a little monsters parents? Mummy and deady
  • What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet
  • Why did the monster fall asleep on his bicycle? Because he was two tired
  • What is a monster’s favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies
  • What do you call a monster who poisons corn flakes? A cereal killer
  • What did the mummy say to the invisible man? Wow, your costume is see through
  • What would a monster’s psychiatrist be called? Shrinkenstein
  • What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? A nectarine
  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite
  • What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire? Count Quackula
  • What did the skeleton say to the vampire? You suck
  • Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation
  • Why was the girl afraid of the vampire? He was all bite and no bark
  • Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building
  • Why do vampires scare people? They are bored to death
  • What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? It’s a pain in the neck
  • How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts
  • What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A grave problem
  • Why doesn’t anybody like Dracula? He has a bat temper
  • Why did Dracula go to the dentist? He had a fang-ache
  • Why are vampires like false teeth? They all come out at night
  • Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes? Sandals don’t look good with his tuxedo
  • What type of dog does every vampire have? Bloodhound
  • Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath
  • What is Dracula’s favorite restaurant? Murder King
  • What is Dracula’s favorite circus act? He always goes for the juggler
  • What do you do if you want to learn more about Dracula? You join his fang club
  • A book never written: “Did a Vampire Bite Me?” by Chick Yerneck
  • What is a vampire’s favorite dance? The Fang-Dango
  • Why are vampires so easy to fool? Because they’re suckers
  • What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher? Lots of blood tests
  • What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich
  • Why do vampires need mouthwash? They have bat breath
  • What does a vampire fear most? Tooth decay
  • What’s a vampire’s favorite fast food? A guy with very high blood pressure
  • What is a vampire’s favorite mode of transportation? A blood vessel
  • Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation
  • What is a vampires favorite holiday? Fangsgiving
  • What happened when the two vampires finally met? It was love at first bite
  • How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat
  • What songs does Dracula hate? “You Are My Sunshine” and “Sunshine on my Shoulders
  • What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? Count Duckula
  • What do vampires take when they are sick? Coffin drops
  • Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin
  • Why doesn’t Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat? Because of the coffin
  • What type of dog does every vampire have? Bloodhound
  • What’s a Vampire’s least favorite song? Another one bites the dust
  • Why does the vampire not like Taylor Swift? She has bad blood
  • What did Dracula have for dessert? Whine & Ice scream
  • What is a vampires favorite ice cream flavor? Vainilla
  • Where do vampires keep their money? The blood bank
  • Why did the vampire go out? For a bite
  • Why does Dracula’s wife have trouble sleeping at night? Because of his coffin
  • What is a vampire’s favorite sport? Casketball
  • Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? At the casketeria
  • Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist? Because he likes to draw blood
  • What did Dracula say after reading all these jokes? They suck
  • What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling of course
  • What do you get when you cross a witch with sand? A sandwich
  • What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand-witch
  • Who was the most famous witch detective? Warlock Holmes
  • What do witches use in their hair? Scare-spray
  • Why does a witch ride a broom? Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord
  • What do you call a witch’s garage? A broom closet
  • How do you get to the witch apartments? Go to the dead end and take a fright
  • What do you call two witches living together? Broommates
  • What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Halloween? Can i have the keys to the broom tonight
  • What’s worse than being a five-ton witch on Halloween? Being her broom
  • What is a witch’s favorite Cub Scout event? Brew and Gold
  • Where do most werewolves live? In howllywood, California
  • Mommy, everyone says I look like a werewolf. Please be quiet and comb your face
  • Who are some of the werewolves cousins? The whatwolves, whowolves and the when wolves
  • What is a werewolf’s favorite Cub Scout event? Pack meetings, of course
  • Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie
  • What did the goblin say to the witch? I don’t know you tell me
  • What do witches get at hotels? Broom service
  • Why don’t angry witches ride their brooms? They’re afraid of flying off the handle
  • Why couldn’t Dorothy tell the bad witch from the good witch? Because she didn’t know which witch was which
  • How do you make a Witch scratch herself? Take away the W
  • How do you know a witch invented the alphabet? Because you have to spell it
  • Frankenstein says to a witch, can you make me a lemonade? Witch: Poof you are a lemonade
  • What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween
  • Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately
  • What room does a ghost not need? A living room
  • Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Because you can see right through them
  • What do ghosts use to wash their hair? Shamboo
  • What kind of dessert does a ghost like? I scream
  • Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders? Because they have a lot of spirit
  • What did the ghost say to the other ghost? Do you believe in humans
  • What does a ghost do when he’s hungry? Go ghost-ry shopping
  • Where do ghosts buy their food? At the ghost-ery store
  • What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty? Ghoul-aid
  • What is a ghoul’s favorite flavor? Lemon-slime
  • What tops off a ghost’s ice cream sundae? Whipped scream
  • Why is a ghost such a messy eater? Because he is always a goblin
  • When does a ghost have breakfast? In the moaning
  • What do ghosts drink at breakfast? Coffee with scream and sugar
  • Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures
  • When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
  • What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi
  • Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? Because he has a Hallo-weenie
  • What do ghosts say when something is really neat? Ghoul
  • Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn’t have a haunting license
  • What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist
  • Where did the goblin throw the football? Over the ghoul line
  • What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire? A toasty ghosty
  • What are ghosts’ favorite kind of streets? Dead ends
  • What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? A. Mas-scare-a
  • Who was the most famous ghost detective? Sherlock Moans
  • Where does a ghost refuel his car? At a ghastly station
  • Where do most goblins live? In North and South Scarolina
  • Why do ghosts shiver and moan? It’s drafty under that sheet
  • What do ghosts call there girl friends? There ghoul friends
  • How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? So long sucker
  • What did the goblin say to the witch? I don’t know you tell me
  • What did the ghost name his wiener-dog? Holly-weeny
  • What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet
  • What did the owl say to the girl ghost as she walked by? Nice HOOOOOTERS
  • What are a ghost’s favorite rides at the fair? The scary-go-round and rollerghoster
  • Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad? Because they were trans-parents
  • What’s a ghoul’s favorite game? Hide-and-ghost-seek
  • Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators? It raises their spirits
  • Why don’t ghosts like rain? It dampens their spirits
  • What is a goblin’s favorite cheese? Monster-ella
  • What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
  • How do you write a book about Halloween? With a ghostwriter
  • How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? So long sucker
  • What did one ghost say to the other ghost? Do you believe in people?
  • Why can’t a ghost win a race? Because it’s always dead tired.
  • What do goblins mail home while on vacation? Ghostcards
  • What is a ghost’s favorite party game? Hide-and-go-shriek
  • Why can’t Boy Ghosts make babies? Because they have Hollow-Weenies
  • What did the mother ghost say to her kids in the car? Fasten your sheet belts
  • What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin
  • What do ghosts call there girl friends? There ghoul friends
  • Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers
  • When a goblin comes home from work what does he say his wife? Hey pumpkin
  • How do monsters tell their future? They read their horrorscope
  • What is a ghost’s favorite mode of transportation? A scareplane
  • Where do ghosts mail their letters? At the ghost office
  • What is a ghosts favorite sale? A white sale
  • Why did the ghost go into the bar? So they can get boooooo-ze and get sheet-faced
  • What is a ghost’s favorite band? The Boos Brothers
  • Why don’t ghost have bands? They get booooooooooed
  • Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? Anywhere where he can boo-gie
  • Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man
  • What kind of jeans do ghosts wear? Boo-Jeans
  • What is a ghost’s favorite fruit? Booberries
  • What do ghosts eat for breakfast? Boo-Berries
  • What is a ghost’s favorite pie? Booberry pie
  • What is a Ghost’s favorite food? HamBoogers
  • What kind of gum do ghosts chew? Boo Boo Gum
  • “That ghost movie was horrible, Tom booed”
  • What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo
  • What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
  • Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo
  • Where did the ghost get it’s hair done? At the boo-ty shop
  • What is a ghosts favorite sale? A white sale
  • What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party? A boo-tie
  • Whats a ghost’s favorite type of car? A boo-ick
  • Where do ghost go for fun? To the boo-vies
  • What is in a ghost’s nose? Boogers
  • What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a Poodle and a ghost? A cocker poodle boo
  • What kind of mistakes do ghosts make? Boo boos
  • What kind of shoes does a ghost wear? boooooooooots
  • What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost? You are booooooooo-tiful
  • Why didn’t the skeleton go to the ball? Because he had no BODY to go with
  • What did the goblin say to the witch? I don’t know you tell me

A woman, whose husband often came home drunk, decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. “Who are you?” he asked. “I’m the Devil!” she responded. “Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”

 An annoying skeleton was being chased by a dog, the dog lost track of the skeleton and told someone “I have a bone to pick with him.” the man asked “Which one?” The dog then replied ” I don’t know he has so many.”

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do? Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.

Moral to the story: The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.